The Secret History of L
by RisingTwilight
Summary: Just my take on what L's childhood must have been like. Lots of humor, owls and sugar. One-shot.


_This whole fanfic is on crack. So don't read it if you don't like insanity. Note: I don't own Death Note. Or Whack-a-mole. Or Clue. Or an owl. _

A genius. The world's greatest detective. An underweight sugar addict. L is all these things. But even the greatest hero has a humble story of their early years. This is L's.

It was a beautiful midsummer's dawn. The birds were chirping, and vibrant flowers were everywhere in this small garden, highlighted by the sun's first rays.Leafy trees cast long shadows.

A man walked down the cobblestone path. He wasn't old, but he was on the verge of becoming such. His name was Wammy, or Watari, as he liked to call himself, since "Wammy" reminded him of "Whack-a-mole", and he hated moles. And Whacking. Very painful. Yes.

But, evil moles aside, he was simply appreciating the day. It was beautiful here in his own private garden. For you see, Watari was rich. Not just a little rich. Money-oozing-out-of-the shower rich. And he had nothing to spend his money on but himself. He had already had all of his family assassinated a long time ago to prevent them from becoming rivals—and to get all of their inheritances. He even had to change a few wills to prevent money from going to charity. Psh, charity. What a waste.

But wait, that might be a good idea. He could give money to charity. You got tax breaks for giving to charity, right? Yes, that would work… but what charity should he choose? Ah, he could make one. No point in giving money to charities made by unworthy mortals. But what would be the cause...

As Watari pondered this, he slowly became aware of a strange sound. It sounded like an owl, and indeed there were a few owls living in his garden, but instead of "wwhhoo" it sounded like "LLLLLL". How odd.

Watari wandered deeper into the garden, until he came to the biggest tree there. Up in the branches was a family of owls. But one owl seemed a bit off. Hmm. Watari squinted. Ah, that was because it was not an owl at all, but a small nude boy. That made sense.

Watari called up to the strange owl-boy crouching on the branch. "Hello, little owl-boy! What are you doing in my tree? And where are your clothes?"

"LLLLLLL!" the boy responded.

"Oh, okay then. Would you like to come down from there?" Watari asked.

"E equals mc squared," The boy muttered indistinctly under his breath.

"Ah, that was a smart phrase! You are quite obviously a smart boy! Now you must come down," A plan was beginning to form in Watari's mind. This boy was a charity case. A smart charity case. He could get tax breaks _and _make money by exploiting a small boy (but not in that way, you freak)! First, however, he had to get this boy out of this tree.

Just then, Watari was smote with brilliance. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a sugar cube. He held it up in the air for the owl-boy to see. "If you come down, little boy, you can have this!"

Without warning, the owl-boy sprang from the tree and thumped down in front of Watari. The sugar cube was no where to be seen. Owl-boy crouched down and put his thumb in his mouth. He looked at Watari with big, expecting eyes.

"You can have more if you agree to do whatever I tell you."

The boy nodded and hooted, "LLLLL!"

"Ah, I know," exclaimed Watari. "That's what I'll call you! L!"

2 years later…

That owl boy had turned out better—and worse—than Watari had expected.

He was far smarter than your average owl boy, surpassing other humans—and owls—on all the I.Q. tests Watari had had him take. He had taken about two weeks to learn Japanese. He also beat Watari at Clue every time. He was so good at it that Watari had given him a real case to solve. The boy succeeded, and was now making a name for himself in the detective world. He was also making Watari rich.

The whole situation had worked out so well, in fact, that Watari had created an orphanage for all the little homeless genius childrean he came across. It was surprising just how many of them there were. The best part was that none of them realized that Watari was using them. Ho ho ho, children were so easy to fool.

Except for one. And this was where the "worse" part came in. L never fell for Watari's tricks unless he wanted to. He even managed to cause trouble of his own. He had somehow changed the name of Watari's orphanage from "Watari house" to "Wammy House". He all of the youngest children by giving them strange looks. He handcuffed one of the orphanage workers to a sewage pipe. And now this.

Watari sat behind a big, fancy desk that made him feel important, looking at L. He had made the mistake of giving L the spinny chair, and now all he could see of him was a crouching blur. Trying in vain to make the sugar-crazed child pay attention, he said, "L, the chef told me that two bags of sugar went missing. Was that you?"

"Yup." L said as he whizzed passed.

"Now why did you do that? Don't you feel bad? That was stealing."

"No—it—wasn't—you—said—I—could—have—all—the—sugar—I—wanted" L said one word each time he turned.

"Well, erm, yes… but… two bags?"

"I—like—sugar"

"This goes far beyond liking sugar, my boy!"

"No—one—cares—what—you—think—old—geezer"

"I… you… impertinent boy! Just get out of my sight!"

"'Kay." L abruptly stopped, stood up, fell down, and drunkenly slouched out of the room.

Watari banged his head against the desk repeatedly. Not worth it. That boy was definitely not worth it. He may have been a genius, but his personality was too much. But there was no way to get rid of him. You couldn't throw an orphan out of an orphanage. The press would go crazy.

If there was one lesson to be learned from his situation, it was this: Don't feed the owl-boys.

Even if they may help save the world from Kira one day.


End file.
